Riding the Roller Coaster of Emotions During a Life Threatening Illness


The look and the talk of positivism

power-of-positive-thinkingDuring the last six weeks in particular, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions as it pertains to my diagnosis of MBC (Male Breast Cancer).  In my work I have encountered all kinds of positive thinking from well wishers, as well as the “p” word, prayer.  People tell me they are sending good thoughts my way, positive energy, and crossing their fingers, and they say they are praying for me. There is a lot of talk about positive energy, and I am thankful for people who are upbeat and positive around and who wish me well.  I receive those wishes and affirmations with thanks. I hear people use the word prayer and declare that they are praying for me. I receive those prayers as well.  And this is just in my work place.

mother-teresa-quote-on-jesus-in-allI have people at ROL (River of Life Fellowship), our church family, who are walking with me and who are supporting me.  They email, and they receive my updates and comment and send words of encouragement.  When we gather, they love on me, embrace me, and speak words of life over me, and they pray for me. I am thankful for these people, who have a genuine and authentic trust in Jesus and the Scriptures, who desire to live lives that honor Jesus and His ways.  I have some men who connect with me as I am able, who are very supportive and encouraging.  I am in a good place with these people.

I have family and extended family who are pretty tight and really supportive, as I ride this roller coaster

jesustillheals I have a niece with a real prophetic edge, whose heart is knit to the Lord in profound ways, and she pours out love, grace and faith over me, be it face to face, or on Facebook. She is a person of great faith asking God to act on my behalf.  I have quieter and more gentle extended family members, who in their own ways are deeply moved by what I am going through.  For some it is a reminder of previous battles either they have fought or other loved ones have fought.  Memories flash back to those people and their situations, and these gentle souls speak softly words of encouragement and comfort, that you can only know, when you have accompanied someone on a similar journey.  These people are very precious and a gift to people like me going through these wide turns and bends on this roller coaster.

Helping family be strong

positivelivingI have my immediate family who are appearing so strong and resolute, and I am sure they are having their own battles with the unknown and faith at a time like this.  I am having my own battles with faith and healing and all of that, why wouldn’t they? I agonize over my daughters, Caitlin and Erinn, who were both quite young when Carragh, their sister, battled A.L.L. Leukemia for seven years. Caitlin was in grade 1 and Erinn was in Kindergarten when Carragh died in our home.  We were all together that winter day, 21 December 1993.  I can remember it like it was yesterday. Caitlin and Erinn had to endure and persevere through the death of a sister, and did not really talk too much about it. There were occasional small talk references here and there, but rarely a talk about how it affected them down deep.  They have always known that they can talk about it or anything else for that matter.  Nothing is off the table when it comes to my girls.  I just hope that we can talk more openly and spill out what is stirring inside of us.  It is always better to be able to talk about it.  I want to be strong for them. They have so much going on in their lives. I want to support them. They need their dad. And, to be really honest, I need them too.

jesushealsallwoundsThen there is Lori, my super trooper. She is amazing.  We have done a lot of crying together.  There have been lots of hugs and just holding each other.  We pray every day together. We share the Eucharist together and read the Bible together. The emotions are pretty raw and tender.  It does not take much to tear up and cry.  How does a man look at the woman he loves and respond to, “I don’t want to be a widow. I don’t want you to die”?  I have echoed those same words, “I don’t want to die” many times over the last couple of months, especially the last week. The thought is there and I cannot wipe it away with positive vibes and wishes.

Facing the harsh reality that we are all in process of dying

john14We all know, but live in denial of this truth, after we are born, we begin the process of dying.  Some die young, some die old, and so many die in between, but all people, will eventually die. Now, you are reading this and you are getting pretty depressed I imagine.  Don’t be depressed.  This is the reality. Part of the problem of living in this culture of ours, is that it is a death denying society.  No one talks about dying, and no one wants to.  You are looked upon as being morbid if you broach the subject of dying.  The harsh reality is that we will die.  I will die.  It is just a question of when.

healtheartWhen we battle life threatening illnesses it makes the possibility of death all that more real.  It is OK to feel awkward and strange when speaking of death.  I personally believe that one of the reasons for our ongoing denial of death, is that down deep in our spirit/soul, we know we were designed to live forever.  God made man in His image and wanted man and woman to live with Him forever.  The fall of creation which resulted when sin, the willful disobedience to God, came into the world, all of creation, including mankind was fallen and marred, you might called it spoiled, from its original creation.  One of the marks of the marring of mankind, is that death entered the world.  Death became a normal end to life on this planet, and death was never part of God’s original design.  So, I believe humanity has a difficult time with death and dying because everyone knows that is not normal, not part of the original intent of God.

jesushealscancerJesus Christ has overcome sin and death through His own death and resurrection.  When Christ died on the cross outside of Jerusalem in 33 AD, He defeated both sin and death, which were the two last enemies facing humanity.  His resurrection revealed that God has power over death and that death is defeated. This is the “new normal”.  While we have the tension of death and dying in our own day, we know that Jesus Christ has already taken care of death, and that we need not fear it.  Death is but the door that each of us will have to enter in order to get to the other side of life forever with God.

No I do not fear death

qualityof thoughtsI do not fear death.  I do not like the thought of being separated from my loved ones right here and now.  I don’t want to leave my wife a widow, and leave my girls and sons in law without a father. I want to see them grow and mature and have kids of their own.  I want to be a grandfather some day. I want to grow old with my wife, and be one of those elderly couples you see walk down town, or in the park holding each other’s hands, happily growing old together.  I want that.  I do not want to miss out on that. No, I do not fear death, but I sure can wait longer before having to meet Jesus face to face.  A little more time Lord, please, lengthen my days, and let me see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.  Yes, that is my heart cry right now.

I believe and trust in God that He has other things for me to do

preparedforgreatnessFunny, in a strange sort of way, is that I have experienced so much prophetic ministry over the years, and a month ago, I received a lot of ministry from people at ROL.  It was all life giving and affirming, and nothing to do with death.  There are words from the past that have yet to be fulfilled.  We often think that God will do what He will do in a certain peculiar way, but the irony is we have no idea how God will accomplish what He will accomplish.  God indeed moves in mysterious ways.  I know even from Carragh’s death, and her witness during her short 9 years on this earth, that she still ministers to people, over two decades after her death.  We have no idea of the capacity of God to use the life of a person to impact people and extend the Kingdom of God in the earth.  Why is it that we are all inspired by the stories of people in the Bible, people of faith, who died for what they believed in?  Why is it that the stories of missionaries, of Christian mystics, who suffered so much in their lives, and yet continue to touch others today, and that many people are healed through the power of the testimony of these people who died so long ago?

We are inspired by them, because we were designed for greatness

shineWe should not be surprised by this.  But when I speak of “greatness”, it is not a greatness that our popular culture reveres.  It is a classic rendering of greatness, where great things are accomplished through the life and dedication of a person, to a mission or task.  It is does not mean that there are no trials and no afflictions.  Quite the contrary, when you look at the lives of the biblical characters, and the witness of the Church through the ages, you find people who suffered a great deal personally, in health especially, but who loved God greatly, and loved people, and continued to reach out to people in God’s name and power and strength.  That is the greatness I speak off.  It has nothing to do with accumulating great wealth, or walking in total health, but has everything to do with being a loving vessel of God to extend His love and grace to a desperate world.

The Kingdom breaks forth, when broken people reach out and leak out the grace and love of God without even trying

quote-god-created-us-for-this-to-live-our-lives-in-a-way-that-makes-him-look-more-like-the-john-piper-40-48-25All I desire is for God to be glorified in me and through me.  That is all I want.  He knows my heart.  He knows the pain I endure every day.  He knows how physically draining it all is on me.  My normal 18 hour days are reduced to little more than 12 or 13 hours.  I just do not have the energy.  But I want to serve God faithfully and honorably and give Him the glory for everything.  I have never been big on the prosperity and wealth and health teaching.  I have been big on the love and grace of God and that God still heals today, raises the dead, opens blind eyes, and opens deaf ears, and unstops the dumb and mute. He grows limbs, restores eyes. He heals cancers.  Did you hear me?  God still heals cancers!

healcancerFor anyone out there who is suffering from cancer of any kind, I want you to know that Jesus still heals cancer today.  I have no fear of death, and I don’t want to die at this time in my life.  So, I need Jesus for a personal breakthrough in my life.  I want to be a vessel that God can use to touch others, who need miracles and healing in their lives.  So, if you need a miracle, contact me.  My contact info is on this site. Leave a comment on this blog post, and leave your email address.  I will pray in agreement with you for your healing, for your miracle.

declarationofhealingNone of us need fear death. God still heals today.  Let’s trust Him for a miracle today!  Let’s see the greatness of God manifest in us and through us and release the Kingdom of God in the earth today.  God’s normal is call the “supernatural”.  I think it is time for the Church to rise up to the new normal and walk out a life of the supernatural, don’t you?

Be encouraged. Be strengthened. No matter what you are battling, God is bigger and God is the answer. Email me.

Peace.

~ Sam

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About Sam Buick

A lover and disciple of Jesus Christ. Married to my best friend, Lori-Anne. Father to 3 incredible daughters, Carragh, Caitlin and Erinn, and sons-in-law Alex, and Stephen Davis. An avid reader, a Droid user, a Mac addict, a lover of footy ball and football (there is a difference), and hockey. Once a soldier. Once a youth worker. Once an ordained minister. Once a claims adjuster. Once a charismatic, now a pacifist. A disciple of Christ, Gospel of grace proclaimer, pursuing union with Christ. There is only one way to God, and that is through Jesus Christ. Jesus unites, dogma divides.
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